This past month I’ve had quite a few moments where I’ve had to stop and wonder if I am accepting that I may never have a child or I am losing hope… or is this the same thing?
I’ve whined and comlained on my twitter feed about the ‘prego by accident girl’ that sits next to me at work. As much as she still gets on my nerves I don’t think it’s because she is pregnant and I am not… it might just be her. I overheard her talking about her Dr. appt. to find out the sex of the baby and later I asked her when she was going to find out, what she was hoping for.. things that I never would have asked before and I didn’t really feel anything inside. No tears coming up… no feeling in my heart or stomach.. just nothing.
A few days later another co-worker brought her in a shower favor with some pink baby bottles tied onto the candy treats.. and again.. nothing…
Last month I also registered for a marathon that will take place in November 2014. 8 months from my registration date. These next 8 months will include a lot of long runs and heavy exercising.. something that I wouldn’t do when really trying to have a baby or being pregnant, but I just registered. That’s it No agonizing.. what if I get pregnant and then I can’t run and I lose the money.. I used to do that, and I think everyone that has tried to have a baby has done that…planned their life around this possibility and then later when nothing happens they are stuck without a baby and without any plans.. and maybe just a whole bunch of regret.
These things got me thinking about what is going on inside of me with my infertility and desire to have a baby.. Do I not want it anymore or am I just emotionally scared from almost 4 years of this. Have I given up the last thing that you should ever give up.. hope? Or am I just coming to terms with my life and the fact that this may not happen for me and I have to move on with my life? Which then makes me think.. if I do that am I setting myself up for failure since they often say that hope is the last thing you lose?
I’m not sure what is going on, but I do know that I can’t continue to go on like I have for the rest of my life… At some point in time you have to snap back into reality.. don’t you? I look at women in other situations.. fantazing and I don’t want to be that person. I want to grab a hold of my life and live it no matter what it throws at me. We always love to have these cliches about ‘making lemon out of lemonade’.. ‘ life is what happens when you are busy making other plans’.. well, maybe now is the time for me to live it.
I have a great life and I have to stop thinking that the baby is the thing that will complete it or make it better. I have to deal with what I have and stop putting things on hold for something that may never happen. I can’t prolong this agony any longer.
I won’t say that there isn’t still something inside of me that hopes I still will get pregnant one day .. but I don’t think I can torture myself any longer with the what ifs..
I’m not sure if I’ve lost something or gained something, but sometimes you just don’t have a choice.