Losing hope or gaining acceptance?

This past month I’ve had quite a few moments where I’ve had to stop and wonder if I am accepting that I may never have a child or I am losing hope…  or is this the same thing?

I’ve whined and comlained on my twitter feed about the ‘prego by accident girl’ that sits next to me at work.  As much as she still gets on my nerves I don’t think it’s because she is pregnant and I am not… it might just be her.  I overheard her talking about her Dr. appt. to find out the sex of the baby and later I asked her when she was going to find out, what she was hoping for..  things that I never would have asked before and I didn’t really feel anything inside.  No tears coming up…  no feeling in my heart or stomach..  just nothing.

A few days later another co-worker brought her in a shower favor with some pink baby bottles tied onto the candy treats..  and again..  nothing… 

Last month I also registered for a marathon that will take place in November 2014.  8 months from my registration date.  These next 8 months will include a lot of long runs and heavy exercising..  something that I wouldn’t do when really trying to have a baby or being pregnant, but I just registered.  That’s it  No agonizing..  what if I get pregnant and then I can’t run and I lose the money..  I used to do that, and I think everyone that has tried to have a baby has done that…planned their life around this possibility and then later when nothing happens they are stuck without a baby and without any plans..  and maybe just a whole bunch of regret.

These things got me thinking about what is going on inside of me with my infertility and desire to have a baby..  Do I not want it anymore or am I just emotionally scared from almost 4 years of this.  Have I given up the last thing that you should ever give up..  hope?  Or am I just coming to terms with my life and the fact that this may not happen for me and I have to move on with my life?  Which then makes me think..  if I do that am I setting myself up for failure since they often say that hope is the last thing you lose?

I’m not sure what is going on, but I do know that I can’t continue to go on like I have for the rest of my life…  At some point in time you have to snap back into reality..  don’t you?  I look at women in other situations.. fantazing and I don’t want to be that person.  I want to grab a hold of my life and live it no matter what it throws at me.  We always love to have these cliches about ‘making lemon out of lemonade’..  ‘ life is what happens when you are busy making other plans’..  well, maybe now is the time for me to live it.

I have a great life and I have to stop thinking that the baby is the thing that will complete it or make it better.  I have to deal with what I have and stop putting things on hold for something that may never happen.  I can’t prolong this agony any longer.

I won’t say that there isn’t still something inside of me that hopes I still will get pregnant one day ..  but I don’t think I can torture myself any longer with the what ifs.. 

I’m not sure if I’ve lost something or gained something, but sometimes you just don’t have a choice.

 

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There’s no need to argue husbands just don’t understand…

Last night I went to an event for my husband’s counsin’s children’s school.  It was an adults only event with gambling and drinks so I thought it would be a fun night and most of all ‘child free’…

It was child free until his cousin asked me ‘When are you guys going to have kids’? “mmmm I don’t know” I said..  “Well you should! The benefits far outweigh any of the nasty things and your MIL really wants a grandchild”.  I just said I don’t know and tried to move on.  She walked away from the table and my husband came back and I ripped into him as if it were his fault.  He told me that I needed to relax.  She didn’t do it on purpose. Stop having  a chip on your shoulder…

I was pissed.  Livid.  I said to him ” you need to stop preaching and be on my side”.  He said “We are so fortunate and we need to stop complaining about things we don’t have”.

He says this to me often, and I’m always left thinking – what the hell is he talking about?  Lots of people are ‘fortunate’ and they also have kids!  Just because we have good jobs and a nice house means I shouldn’t bitch about having a child because I have lots of other things?

I always feel like he blows off infertility.  It’s not considered a real ‘issue’.  It’s not something you have, it’s something you don’t, so not something you have to deal with , just suck it up and like your life how it is….

I do and honestly I dont even know what it is that I want sometimes…  this is true for other people (why I don’t even tell them I’m infertile) and also true for my husband because I feel like he will never completely understand what I am going through and therefore will be unable to give me exactly what I need or want.

Not even sure what the point of this blog is … just that ever since that happened I have been singing the Will Smith song “Parents just don’t understand” and making up my own lyrics for infertility…

You know DHs are the same no matter time nor place

They don’t understand that us women are in a baby race

So to you, all you infertiles across the land

There’s no need to argue, husbands just don’t understand

I remember one day

my husband took  me to an appt

It was me,  my hubby and my RE

We popped in the hospital

We headed back to the doctor’s office

My husband started bugging with the prices he saw

I didn’t say nothing at first

I just wanted to cry

He said “what’s wrong” we can try naturally”

I said “DH, we have tried naturally for for 3 years”

The next half hour was the same old thing

My husband only thinking ’bout things sexually

OK OK OK ..  I”m done now..  but you get the gist….  or maybe not..  or maybe I don’t either. but… 

When you have nothing nice to say….

This week got me thinking even more about the benefits to sharing / not sharing my infertility with people I know.  I have told some friends and my mother, but this has even led to regret due to the stupid things they say.

I’ve heard the standard ‘ just relax’, ‘it’s not meant to be’, but recently when I visited my obgyn for my yearly check up she asked me how it was going.  I first visited her 3.5 years ago and now I’m still not pregnant..  and she asks me if I had seen a specialist…  I said yes..  then she asked if I had an HSG..  yes, of course, like 3 years ago.. helloooooo

Made me start thinking that I never want to tell anyone..  If they haven’t been through it they just don’t know what to say and/or you ge the pity look, and ain’t nobody got time for that.  I give myself enough pity enough so I sure don’t need it from others.

The obgyn questions launched me into a rage in my head…  HAVE I SEEN A SPECIALIST I was screaming to myself..  HSG…  <SCREAMING>.. I wanted to tell her that I have a list of at least 100 things i have done and then specialist / HSG are pretty much at the top…

I’ve stopped using regular lotion, shampoo, face cream.  Only organic.  Stopped buying my meat at Sam’s Club because I’m sure they have some type of chemical or antibiotic that is stopping my pregnancy.  I had to buy an air popper because of all of the chemicals in that microwave popcorn.  No more beer – too much gluten, and in fact, no more pasta, bread, etc. because that is the diet that has caused so many women to be infertile.  Acupuncture.  Chinese herbs and tea.  Hit me up with some robitussin because wasn’t there a study done in the 1980s where it made a bunch of women have thinner cervical mucus and they got pregnant right away.  5 days a month of that, even though I have no congestion.  And speaking of cervical mucus..  well, I’ve looked at that on more days and in more places than one is supposed too..  I’m sure.  Handstand on the bed, beside the bed..  hips up!  Stay in bed for at least 30 minutes after sex because that’s how long ‘they’ say it takes for the sperm to get ‘up in there’.  “they’ say a lot of stuff I have listed too…  Vaginal steam, that’s next..  right after my primrose oil, but only before ovulation.  Oil pulling is suposed to remove toxins, and I will do that every morning in hopes that it pulls out allof those infertile toxins making me not get pregnant month after month..  Coffee..  phssss  puhlease, duh, everyone knows you can’t do that… 

This non-exhaustive list is everything I have screamed in my head when I tell someone about infertility and they never know what to say.. so they ask me dumb questions about a specialist and I vow to zip my lips from now one…

Anyway, my fingers are quite tired now and I have spent too much time on this little list.. cutting into my fertility yoga time (# 150 on the list….).

 

Pity Party?

This week is the week that I had reached the top of the first roller coaster hill and then as I felt these AF cramps coming on began the slow free fall into the abyss of depression, whoa is me as I realized I wasn’t pregnant…  again.

Funny thing the mind games that this infertility plays on you.  I’m not a stupid chic, am I?  I would never spend 3.5 years of my life doing something over and over again, month after month after month and yet be surprised when it doesn’t happen…  but this is the thing about infertility, it’s this carrot of hope dangling out there in front of you each and every month.  No definite answers, no reasons why and we just trudge on and trudge on with the hope that this is the month.

I get so tired of this roller coaster ride.  This vicious cycle.  It makes me start to hate myself for doing it over and over again and each month I have this pity party.  I will say it’s gotten better over the last year.  It’s not such a sadness, but I still do have my pity party.

Friday I was pretty far into the pity party.  The cocktail hour had passed, all the guests had arrived and were pretty drunk, appetizers were gone..  and then I picked up my phone to check out my facebook to hate all the women with their children when I saw a pretty sobering post.  Some girl I had graduated with lost her 36 year old boyfriend after a 10 year battle with cancer.  For a moment, I’m kind of ashamed to admit, I thought to myself – even he had a kid when he was fighting cancer…  as I looked at the 5 year old boy he was leaving behind.

The thought of my friend and my own ‘struggles’ have consumed me this weekend.  In the end I guess my take away is that life doesn’t work out for any of us how we expect.  People die too young and those they leave behind wonder – why them?  People struggle with weight their whole life and wonder – why is she skinny and I can’t be?  Some people can’t find a good job and wonder where everyone else gets all the luck?  People have kids and wish it were a boy or a girl or something different than what they have.  I often get suck in the cycle of thinking I have all of the struggles in the world because I can’t have a baby and all of these other people can, but I need to remember that I have many things that they don’t.  That having a baby or not is not what makes up a struggle..  other people may have 5 children and that in fact is their struggle.

I vow to try to remember this as another month comes and goes…  to accept it in my entire life, not just my infertility struggle..  To remember that life has a great meaning no matter how it turns out.  It’s all mind..  childless or not..  and it’s really good because I have it and I will be thankful for it and grateful for my many blessings even if a baby is not among them.

Will infertility make me a bad parent?

Will infertility make me a bad parent?  That sounds kind of stupid…  huh?  If I’m infertile, and I can’t be a parent, does that mean I get a 100% on that test like a forfeit?

I went to the auto show yesterday where a bunch of parents had their crazy kids and were letting them jump around in the back of $90,000 Land Rovers.  I was kind of annoyed, not by the kids, but by the parents.  Shouldn’t they be reprimanding them?  Why is there this ‘king child’ syndrome?

I have a dear friend that went through seven years of infertility after she finally conceived her baby on her fourth round of IVF.  When the baby was small, and she was delirious from sleepless nights, she would often apologize to me for complaining about her exhaustion.  “I’m sorry for complaining because this is what I wanted”.  I often thought she was silly…  of course she can complain!  Just because you had to work hard to get something doesn’t mean you have to take whatever happens after you have that with a smile on your face!

Now that I am in the infertility situation I left that auto show wondering that, if God ever blesses me with a child, will I be so happy and grateful that I will let that child do whatever they want because “I wanted this”?  I don’t think I would, but it kind of makes me feel weird that I even had that thought. 

I kind of felt desperate.  I try not to wreak of desperation with this baby stuff, but when you feel as though you are at the mercy of everything except yourself, how do you not give into that desperation?  The deal making?  The whatever happens happens just to get what you want? 

If I ever do have my baby I need to remember that auto show day and not turn into some desperate step child of my king baby.

Does everything really happen for a reason?

When I turned 33 I had just gotten married for the third time.  I won’t go into all of those details (as that’s a whole other blog series), but I will say I spent a lot of time in therapy and with Deepak Chopra books to come to really believe that everything happens for a reason.

My whole path to my third marriage started because we wanted to have a family together.  We started trying in September 2010, even before we lived together, because we knew that we wanted to be together and that we wanted to have a family.  I remember going to my pre-conception appointment in August 2010 and the Dr. said (among other things) “if you are lucky to get pregnant right away”…  I thought, of course i will be..  I’m young, healthy, my mom never had problems and I get my periods regularly.  Oh, the stupid things one thinks…

Fast forward to present day and I really start to re-think the notion of ‘everything happens for a reason’.  At times I believe it.  At times I don’t.  Is this something people say to make themselves feel better about shitty things happening in their lives?  You never hear someone say this shit when someone hit the lottery.  You hear/see it when people don’t know what else to say.  To make you feel better because saying ” that really sucks that you have such shitty luck”, or something along those lines, really just isn’t as palatable, and who wants to think that?

This “everything happening for a reason” has been on my mind since the start of the year.  This is the year when I want to make a decision. I want the power.  If God isn’t going to give me my own baby, do I want to do any more tests, surgeries, expensive treaments?  Do I want to just get on birth control and say I love my childless life?  Did the baby thing not happen for me because it wasn’t meant to be?

Does everything really happen for a reason, or does sometimes your luck just suck?

Support or commiseration??

I decided to write a blog and get a twitter account to discuss infertility because I thought it would help me…  help me get past this sadness I feel sometimes and most of all the shame I feel when I discuss infertility.  I thought if I got out there and tried to talk about it with strangers, it would make it easier to discuss it with those I knew. Any infertility issues I have has been mostly a secret except with my mother and 2 or 3 close friends.

As I spent more time on twitter I had to wonder if this was in fact making me more neurotic and not helping me at all.  My mind has been my own worst enemy over the years and after finally feeling that I had come to some terms with my infertility was twittering and blogging just putting me into the realms of others’ neurosis about the whole topic??  Not only did I have to deal with my own feelings, but now I felt compelled to deal with others??

Overall I like to discuss and read about the topic because it’s a huge part of my life, and I think you never know what you may find in others that would help you.  I do however think that sometimes talking about it with others makes us think about negative things that wouldn’t have bothered us alone.  Someone is feeling bad about something so we then feel bad about it..  someone is thinking about their life in 20 years without kids and even though that fact hadn’t crossed our minds before we are now obsessing… 

I do feel less alone now..  I feel less like an outcast and more part of a group which as a thirty something woman without kids is important since the group most of my peers identify with is the mom group..  I thank everyone for sharing all of their ups and downs, but I do think it’s equally important that we don’t get too involved in the sharing and obsessing and keep our own thoughts and feelins foremost in our mind..  don’t be easily swayed by the negativity.

 

 

This week I learned that the girl I share a cubicle with is pregnant…with an unwanted pregnancy!!!! WTF??! Are you kidding me?… I knit’s she had her own journey, but isn’t it ironic that her journey had to sit right next to this journey for 9 long months??? Then to top it all off, I will have to cover her workload when she goes on maternity leave for 9 months……. i already had to listen to her sickness stories.  Act happy for her that she was pregnant and try to say nice things when I found out it was unplanned… Not sure how long I can listen to this…. Thats her journey, but what does this mean for mine?..

First Birthday Party… to go or not to go …

There’s a lot of the worst of the worst when you have infertility, but for me, going to celebrate someone else who has something you want is right up there at the top.

I really don’t begrudge anyone anything that they have that I don’t, but do I have to get dressed up and go celebrate it?  Get a shower, do my hair and put on make up that I will try my hardest not to cry off.  Walking into a war where at any moment some unknowing aunt will say ‘awwww, you two, don’t you want that?”.  I will, again..  as I have done time after time..  hold back the rage and the words that want to come out…  “yes, I do want that..  and as a matter of fact if I would have gotten pregnant when I first started trying you would be at my kid’s 3rd birthday party.  I have wanted this so much that I have taken medicines, talked about my condition with more people than I would like, had surgery and laid in bed so many minutes after sex that I’m betting bed sores”…  Those are the words I want to SCREAM and then run outside and cray, make a scene and make everyone feel bad and sorry for me.

Dramatic much?  I guess, but so what?? 

Then I remind myself to count my many blessing and not cry over blessings I don’t have.  Wash and repeat…

 

 

 

I have unexplained fertility??

Through all the years that I didn’t have children, I never thought there would come a time when my end result was “unexplained infertility”. Never crossed my mind. I judged others who had this problem and wanted to try treatments. I never understood why anyone would want to put their body through that! Just adopt! Anyone else have this problem?